Troubled Relationship – Part 1
Tennis star Sania Mirza recently called off her engagement with her fiancée on incompatibility grounds. I was in two minds. Whether to mentally congratulate Sania on her stand early on in her relation or be skeptical for I know of many young couples with zilch resilience. Presuming the reason is not the latter one I would say good call!
I have wanted to write an article on this subject from a long time. Thanks to the falling apart of couples all around me! Couples don’t seem to be blinking an eyelid before mentioning the dreaded D word. 7 year itch is no more than a misnomer; couples are parting ways as early as one year of their wedded life or as late as 20 years.
I decided to take opinions from both genders on this subject. Here goes….
Aninda Sen, Single, Employed (print media)
“I think that today’s high rate of divorce and incompatibility is a tell-tale sign of lack of time that couples spend with each other, do things together and more importantly grow together. Chasing a dream lifestyle means working out of different locations, time zones etc and its a recipe for growing apart. At a deep level, it’s about understanding LOVE and COMMITMENT. I think most people are not quite sure what it really means to share ones life with another. This may stem from the fact that folks don’t want to make any trade-offs with their lives – trading off something of value for something which has a higher perceived value.”
Suhasini Ravi, Single, Student (NY University)
“I think compromise is the key to any relationship. If even one person is ready to compromise for someone the other, that makes it very easy to keep a relationship going. Secondly, trying to complement one another rather trying to change one another is also very important. Space and freedom for each individual is required in a relationship.”
Avinash Krishnan, Married for 15 yrs to his college sweetheart, Self Employed (Web related)
“The main reasons for incompatibility these days: 1. Projecting what you are not during courtship leading to disillusionment later 2. Putting self before the relationship. In other words a strong reluctance to sacrifice ones way of life, desires etc for harmonious continuation of the relationship. Reluctance to ‘adjust’ with each other. 3. Finances – with both earning, concept of ‘my’ money and ‘your’ money rather than ‘ours’, can be the death knell.”
Girija Acharya , Single , Employed
“It is very much the responsibility of both the partners to help each other strike the right balance between their new relationship and the existing one’s in their life [by this ,I mean the family and friends of your spouse/partner] and also respecting the individual space of your partner. Also, honest, open communication is a key ingredient for a healthy relation. In most cases the relationships that don’t work are the one’s in which either one of the partner [and may be his/her family] or sometimes both the partners have the complex that they are the best and that “we are always right” kind of an attitude. Basically, they are bad listeners.” Possessiveness, parental interference in marital affairs are other reasons of trouble. Having said that, even after putting in great efforts to make a relationship work, if it doesn’t work, it’s ok to part ways!! (If you keep a wound un-nursed for long, it becomes septic, causing its own demise)
Himani Aggarwal, Married for 5 years, currently on a sabbatical nursing 1 year old baby
“Relationships are troubled in general also and in specific terms also. It depends on how important the particular relationship is for you to fix and leave. More times than not, the many challenges of life that can impact a couple can be worked out if they are paid attention in an early stage. Else, issues just might grow and then hinder the relationship in totality. I personally believe that relationship can be sweet and open only where you can be what you are and not the way the other want you to be.”
Pradeep Chakraborty, Married for 15 great years, Tech Industry analyst and blogger
“You will run into trouble when selfishness creeps into any relationship. How many couples ask this question seriously before breaking up: why were you together in the first place? You need to accept your friend/partner with all of his/her positives and negatives. The day you don’t, you are asking for trouble!”
Varsha Ranjit, Married for 3 months, Employed (Media – News)
“Ego is something that we all are aware of, we talk about it, but when we ourselves are faced with it, we most likely let our egos do the talking/ reacting. Relationships generally tether delicately on what the power equations are be it between parents and their children, between siblings, between man and woman. In today’s day and age in most man-woman relationships, egos do a lot of talking and it’s so often we see long 5 year old relationships nose diving into nothingness because the ego takes over. Its the bitter truth, but here the concept of a compromise comes into being, you give some and you take some…so you give some space to your partner and then you get some space yourself, talking issues out is another way of dealing with issues…but having said all of this, wouldn’t things be simpler if we were, ourselves be able to abide by all ‘self help advice’?”
VV Rajan, Married for about 7 wonderful years (only getting better), employed (advertising)
“I consider myself lucky to be married to the girl who is my wife now. Ours was an arranged marriage and given my own choice I couldn’t have had a better soul mate! I am saying this out of experience more than anything else. I don’t think I loved my wife then than how much I do now. I guess that’s what compatibility is all about! While a relationship to me was all about taking things for granted, to my wife it was all about clarity, transparency and doing the right thing no matter what wrongs she was exposed to! I guess time was another factor that made me fully realize that life is not meant to be taken for granted and I am thankful that I don’t carry that attitude anymore! A relationship works better when you place priorities of your family first and then of the others. I guess most of us make this mistake of having a laid back attitude and taking things for granted especially when it comes to your spouse! And while in a relationship we also tend to procrastinate… There never comes a time tomorrow, it is always now!”
I leave you with these thoughts for today…my views on this subject will follow in the next post…
Best
Priya Q
p.s: Thank u so much guys for your views. Much appreciate!
Priya Q on February 4th 2010 in Author's muses, Love, Life & Philosophy Quotes
aarshi responded on 04 Feb 2010 at 14:50 #
Why quote others , write what u think on the subject
married or unmarried
Jayalakshmi Prasad responded on 04 Feb 2010 at 16:34 #
Relationship is like Yoga union occuring between the mind, body and the spirit. The main foundation for any relationship is trust , understanding and space for each other to be individuals but still be togheter in right coordination to be successful parters for life. The realtionship gets troubled if the ingredients of love, empathy, giving the hope of togetherness at times of need is not felt by any one of the partners. If all these are cooked in the right quantity the food becomes delicious that is life.
Laxmi Raghunath responded on 04 Feb 2010 at 16:39 #
I feel it differs from person to person…the tolerance level of the younger generation has come down, they dont seem to find a need to keep working on a relationship if they feel it will not work, they believe in moving on….might not be right or wrong on this…but its a general observation…
Priya Q responded on 04 Feb 2010 at 16:41 #
hi aarushi…..i did mention at the end of the post…that I will get back with my views in the next post!…keep reading
Raj responded on 04 Feb 2010 at 17:10 #
Hey priya,nice one. Good collboration you have done. Its good to see so many opinions rolled into a common post. Good one!
AJ responded on 04 Feb 2010 at 17:24 #
Relationships are strange and mysterious. They change colour every …….
Most of us are troubled by changes in our life. And in relationships, it all starts well but we fail to accept the fact that ‘nothing stays forever’. Instead of looking forward to solve the mystery of the future we tend to dwell on the lost charm of the past, forgetting the simple truth that the future is equally charming, only if we didn’t lose sight of it…..How we wish!!!….
Just another perspective..
Radhika responded on 04 Feb 2010 at 18:15 #
Commitments, sacrifices, adjustments, compromises – all these are are the lofty names we give to what we think is our contribution to a happy and long-lasting marriage/relationship. I beg to differ – a marriage/relationship lasts as long as there is love. Happiness follows love. And having known my husband for more than half my life (since I was fourteen), I can say that a litmus test for love in a marriage/relationship which you feel is going through a bad patch is to ask yourself honestly whether you will be unhappy if you can’t see your spouse/partner every morning when you wake up or for those in long distance relationships who don’t see each other everyday and those considering breaking up on the grounds of incompatibilty, whether you will be truly and honestly happy never to see your spouses/partners face ever again in your life. If the thought of never seeing the other person creates a wrenching pain in your heart, your marriage is on solid ground. Things have a way of sorting themselves out and after a while you will wonder why you even thought that your marriage/relationship was on the rocks. If it leaves you cold, its better you get rid of the millstone around your neck than clinging onto something which is long dead and needs a decent burial.
Debt Consolidation responded on 05 Feb 2010 at 04:08 #
Best article, lots of intersting things to digest. Very informative
Priya Q responded on 05 Feb 2010 at 11:43 #
hey radhika…. great thoughts! and congratulations to you! but you must understand that not everyone is as lucky as you. there are cases of broken hearts and beliefs. you might be blindly in love with a person and ready to go that extra mile just for him / her ..but if that is not reciprocated there is dejection… for love to grow year after year… there are certain elements that need to be taken care of no matter how lofty the words might sound.
Anjana responded on 05 Feb 2010 at 11:59 #
A healthy relationship,be it a marriage or any other, is based on the building blocks of love,respect and trust. Compromise and adjustments happen automatically as long as the former 3 factors are present. Moreover according to me, compromise and adjustment should not be equated with a loss of face for the person doing it. We make adjustments not because we are inferior or our needs are less important. It’s a sign of how much we love the other person. Even if any one of the 3 factors is missing ,the relationship will not be a balanced one.
Priya Q responded on 05 Feb 2010 at 12:02 #
well said… watch out for my views in Troubled relationship – part 2
winnie thomas responded on 05 Feb 2010 at 15:01 #
still too young to comment on such a topic though have lately seen couples parting and that too after being together for years together. i seriously feel this is a post that could really help couples going through such troubles… looking forward to Troubled relationship – part 2
Philip responded on 05 Feb 2010 at 20:23 #
“Tennis star Sania Mirza recently called off her engagement with her fiancée on incompatibility grounds.”
Surely you meant “fiancé”, didn’t you?
Philip responded on 05 Feb 2010 at 23:52 #
And while I am at it: “7 year itch is no more than a misnomer;” — is there something more there than should be?
(Please feel free to not publish these comments.)
Priya Q responded on 06 Feb 2010 at 13:57 #
hi Philip…what exactly do u mean when u say “is there something more there than should be?” …. I didn’t understand ur comment!
naveen philip( distinguishing myself from the other philip) responded on 06 Feb 2010 at 19:17 #
friends normally last a lifetime – maybe bec u dont have to see them and their drawbacks everyday. or maybe bec the bond was never as strong as a marriage.relationships now are put under many strains and lot of them probably has a basic element – women have now financial independence – their parents support their independence- male egos are being eroded with some spouses earning more or having more friends than them and so on. we men have lived most of our life being taken care of and have seen dad s being taken care off – suddenly the world is changing and no one has trained us for it.so is that a justification – absolutely not but some times it is better to subject the male ego to small shocks initially instead of giving it as a single dose:) . having said that males have to start treating their wives as companions in a journey – maybe as part of their school friends – enjoy activities together ( start with the kitchen – cleaning dishes is good way to kick off) take care of kids ( ur part responsible at least hope u r:) holiday together and so on. and be there as a emotional pillar while she is non stop chatting about her work and a hundred other things u have no idea about. women need respect and a person who will be a companion. some times with so much past we men take them for granted – our games – our travel – our beering sessions and clubs take a priority and before u know it there is no string connecting u both – our moms were forced to stay with our dads more often than not on social compulsions and children. there are no such compulsions now. the world has changed and both men and women need to factor in that change. be friends – have fun together – share responsibilities – don’t make major compromises – it will eat you later – small compromises every one needs to do – u do it with friends .
life is meant to be fun – enjoy life together – and if you have made mistake admit it. dont fight before kids or others. and if your wife doesnt get along with your mother in law its perfectly ok.
have read thru the various views and comments and more or less agree with the general direction. trust respect love etc are definite pillars. but i feel fun and communication shd be also there
sharongilo responded on 06 Feb 2010 at 23:31 #
Someone mentioned selfishness — marriage certainly takes a good amount of selflessness with the ability to put your spouse first at times. Other important behaviors I’ve compiled in “A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage” (Boston Globe #1 pick) — http://www.ashortguidetoahappymarriage.com — come by and visit!
attracting.woman responded on 18 Feb 2010 at 22:15 #
Most of the losers in distance relationship that I’ve discovered are added by the hold and see attitude of the couples themselves. This was made by the insecurity of the couple as they do not conceive that the distance relationship will study but at the one time they do not want to put a stop to the relationship. Let me tell you this, if you project to have this kind of position, desist from walking into one at the first place because both you and your partner will suffer in the love and relationship. In a distance relationships, both partners must be devoted and active in adding the relationship to a high level.
Assenuespenly responded on 19 Mar 2010 at 19:09 #
i truthfully enjoy your own writing type, very charming.
don’t give up and keep penning as a result it just simply very well worth to read it.
impatient to see more and more of your current article content, goodbye!