This hilarious article was written by an Expert from Baan, Netherlands who spent two years in Hyderabad.

For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer.

Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints are as follows:

Do we drive on the left or right of the road?

The answer is “both”. Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don’t drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don’t you get discouraged or underestimate yourself except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.

Don’t stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.

Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.

Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister’s motorcade, or waiting for the rainwaters to recede when over ground traffic meets underground drainage.

Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.

Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery
are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton’s laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.

Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often “mopped” off the tarmac.

Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.

One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don’t stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive, as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type. Least I sound hypercritical; I must add a positive point also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a “speed breaker”; two for each house.

This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.

Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Chenghis Khan). In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol)
he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any Signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals; they are the greater threat). Only, you will often observe that the cleaner who sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically.

This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just a statement of physical relief on a hot day. If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 pm and 11 am-when the police have gone home and The citizen is then free to enjoy the ‘FREEDOM OF SPEED’ enshrined in our constitution.

Having said all this, isn’t it true that the accident rate and related deaths are less in India compared to US or other countries!!? ?

Age ain’t nothing but a number!
This is so true in the South Indian films. All our super stars be it MGR, Sivaji Ganesan, NTR and the super Star Rajnikant have time and again proven that no matter even if you cross 50, you can still look young and look youthful and have girlfriends who are your grand daughter’s age. You can do all those things the current gen X does. What’s more you can even go to college and look like a student!!!!

You don’t have to look good, just be over confident!
See looks are only skin deep. They are here today and gone tomorrow.
What’s so great about looks. So many of our stars have enlightened lesser mortals like us that if you are over confident you will surely look good!
Just pass off some heavy dialogues and people will fall at your feet… Who knows they might even build temples and start a fan club on your name!

Newton was so wrong about gravity
Naah!
Newton was a crazy fellow!
Who told him that when you throw an apple in the sky it has to fall down?
That’s not possible!
When our Rajnikant jumps in the air, he stays there! He’s heavier than an apple… but does he fall?
No, na…. that’s what I meant!

There’s nothing called as the great story!
See when people come to watch cinema, all they need is good songs, lots of fight and a good item song. There has to be one dancer from Bollywood who can shake her booty… She can be Mumaith khan, Rakhi sawant, Malaika Arora Khan or their other peers!
There has to be some face punching and ear pinching dialogues!
(Stuff like Ithu eppadi irukku… How is it?, Naa oru tharava sonna, nooru tharava sonna maari… If I say once, it’s like saying 100 times and so on!)
The heroine has to be from the north please or even from Kerala will do! To that add in some hot and steamy scene and bingo! The movie is ready for the masses!

Even the weak have got very strong powers
Never underestimate our heroes who are wafer thin and bony structured. Even they have the guts to wipe off the entire rowdy gang of the city. They are so strong!
He can give one kick and a group of 10 people will go flying in all the directions!

Style matters!!!
Always be stylish! And that’s what our screen Gods keep telling us.
Every person is unique and has an identity of his own. You need to create that style statement wherever you go!
Here are a few examples…

Wigg it!
Wigging is sooo cool!

When you know you are ageing gracefully and you also need to look you so that you can do all those things the gen X does, just go to your nearest parlor and get a custom made WIG!
There is no star in South India who has an original hair and who hasn’t worn a wig!
Just wigg it baby!

Get your self a title, Mister!
Take any name in south cinema today, they all have been given a status and a some fan following! They are forever listed in the walk of fame lines given various tags, names as you may call it.
• Makkal Thilakam MGR
• Nadigar Thilakam Sivaji Ganesan
• Super Star Rajnikant
• Little star Chimpu
• Ultimate star Ajith
• Puratchi Dalapathi Vijay
• And so many more…

There are more stars in the making… lets see how many twists/ adaptations these names take.

The child is the father of the man!
This is so true for South Indian cinema. I thought this line was good only in poems. Mr. Wordsworth, hats off to you for coming out with such an awesome line and our south Indian stars have already embraced this. Look at all recent Rajnikanth’s movies, most of the motherly roles essayed by his co-stars are younger than him. In fact this credit should be given to yesteryear stars like Sivaji Ganeshan, MGR, NTR, Rajkumar and their likes… had screen moms who were much younger than them!
Talk about which came first… chicken or the egg!

When it’s time to wind up, join politics!
This is one of the last but definitely not the least lessons learnt from the screen icons!
They did so much for people on screen. Fed them, gave them clothes, house, education and now they will do the same thing off screen! (You still think so???)
It was MGR, Karunanidhi, Jayalalitha, Vijaykanth to the more recent Vijay have all joined politics and serving the nation… atleast they believe so!

((if you are reading this post through feed and are unable to view the video, request you to visit the main site for the same)

Read trivia on Bangalore Royal Challengers here!

Julia before…

Julia after

This is the modified version of the picture I took recently in Fort Kochi….

Original version

How much can two words change the essence of the message! lol

(Idea credit goes to my one and only hubz…)

Giving up smoking is easy…I’ve done it hundreds of times. (Mark Twain)

Well, after Shahrukh Khan (SRK) the latest celebrity to swear quitting smoking is our Ghajini superstar Aamir Khan. Smoking has been a touchy subject when it comes to cinema fraternity. The stylized Rajnikanth was criticized for spoiling Tamil youth by glorifying smoking and drinking on screen. The health minister Ramadoss was very happy with Rajnikanth when he didn’t smoke onscreen for two of his blockbuster movies last year. Ramdoss’ request to celebrities to stop smoking onscreen invited ridicule and fury; while Amitabh Bacchan got upset and the director Mahesh Bhatt found it juvenile, the candid SRK voiced openly that he is not to be told what he should do and what he shouldn’t!

Smoking helps you lose weight — one lung at a time!”‘ (Alfred E Neuman)

Well, frankly I have never understood why people smoke? You spend money to get unhealthy! How stupid is that? Its good news that smoking is banned in public places in India. How I hated being a passive smoker…ughh. Anyways, I am not here to preach anti smoking, it’s a personal choice after all….but what I will do is,  share with you few funny quotes and a joke on smoking …

Here goes!

“Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer”
“A cigarette is a pipe with a fire at one end and a fool at the other”  (Author Unknown)
“The cigarette does the smoking – you’re just the sucker” (Author Unknown)
“People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them… Well, it’s killing me!” (Woody Allen)
“I tried to stop smoking cigarettes by telling myself I just didn’t want to smoke, but I didn’t believe myself” (Barbara Kelly)
“I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.” (George F Burns)

Jack, at a New Year’s party, turns to his friend, Harry, and asks for a cigarette.
“I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” Harry responds.
“I am in the process of quitting,” replies Jack with a grin. “Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.”
“Phase one?” wonders Harry.
“Yeah,” laughs Jack, “I have quit buying.”
-Unknown

Yup! That’s what you get when a malayalee tries to speak Hindi. I have been a witness to so many hilarious instances; thought would blog about the 2 of my favorite ones.

Take 1
My school friend’s mom (aunty) as a newlywed had to move to the north of India where her husband was posted (having brought up in Kerala, this was her 1st visit to the North). Aunty had barely picked up few words in Hindi when uncle decided to flaunt his wife’s culinary skills to his friends. And in order to impress uncle’s friends, aunty decided to pick up some Hindi which would help her in portraying herself as a cordial host. So here goes….

What aunty learnt was ‘thoda aur khayiye sharam karne ki koi zaroorat nahin’- meaning- please help yourself with some more food, don’t hesitate. Instead the dialogue that actually got delivered on the dinner table was ‘khayiye khayiye, sharam to aati nahi hai!’- meaning- eat more you shameless! Sharam being the operative word here completely changed the meaning with wrong usage in a sentence. LOL.

Take 2
Hub’s friend has had this reputation of sending anyone to splits with his Hindi from his school days. Being brought up in the north I would have never thought of inviting anybody home in shudh Hindi (pure Hindi) the way I got invited by him (the main protagonist in this story).

Padhariye Padhariye (a.k.a welcome welcome) …Aasan grahan kariye (please have a seat)…is what his mentor (wifey) taught him. But what was more hilarious was the way he remembered or was taught these verses. Assan was connected with ass, since the ass goes first on the seat it becomes assan . Good training (read avenge) lady

Man! Did I or did I not get a momentary time machine experience! Trust me, I felt like I was taking part in some famous epic play like the Mahabharata or Ramayana!

Being posted in the land of mallus, I hope I get have many more such laughs, Amen!